One day I’ll find happiness.
It’s kinda (read: EXTREMELY) sad that I know you won’t be apart of that. No matter what I do. I’d give my life for you to be happy. I really would. It’s not even because I won’t be in your future. I just genuinely pray, hope, and dream for you. You deserve it. For a brief period of time I was free. My mind no longer in a straightjacket. Since we met I’ve never known such peace. Then, in an instant, and seemingly out of nowhere, it all came rushing back. I don’t why or how. I can’t even grasp on the exact reasoning for the depth of my feelings. it’s as if it just IS. it’s how it’s supposed to be. Well for me at least. It hasn’t changed since the beginning. I’m done trying to rid myself of it. I just accept the cold reality of situation. At this point there seems to be no recovery. I just hide in the shadows only to peek out at those who pass by. When someone stops to greet me, I’m polite and engaging. While remaining far enough that I get to keep every part of myself. Never getting close enough to give them glimpse into my heart. My soul. It’s mine. It’s all I have left. I’m unwillingly to share it with anyone else. I’m broken. I believe I may have gone over the edge. There might not be a return to normalcy. Living my life in constant limbo. Never to be whole again. Praying to whoever is up there. Hoping for the impossible. Dreaming of happiness.
*this is intentionally scatter brained.
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