Category: inside the mind of the insane

I wrote this for shawty a while back. But she ain’t never gon see it so fuck it. Here you go 
The dreams

Good lord the dreams 

Every night I see you in a new light

Granted, it’s my mind creating fantasy

But it’s the only way I get to spend time with you

And you know I’ll take anything I can get

You have been the most consistent thing on my mind in recent weeks

Ok fine. Recent months. 

Maybe even years.

secretly. 

Why?

How?

what did I do to deserve this cruelty?

Now it’s out there

And despite mitigating circumstances you engage me

The best part of my day is a response from you

I can’t lie. It’s not enough

I want more

As much as I can have

I’m selfish like that

I make no excuses about it

Though, I am waiting patiently

But patience can only run so long

Before it turns to demand

I will demand your touch

Your kiss

Your flesh

You 

I demand you

All of you 

These are 2 slightly different intros for a narrative thing I wrote. I the first intro when I thought I was letting Her go. But shortly there after we had our last fling and didn’t write the thing. Then almost 2 years later I slightly changed the intro. And eventually wrote the thing. It’ll be on here one of these days. The thing is about a moment in June 2012. And 3 years later I wrote about it. After 2 years of stalling. Anyway that’s the background on these things going forward…
When I first thought I had to write about this we were still bound together by a pact of Love. It was just too soon. Now? It’s just another memory in a long line, soon to be, if not already, forgotten. I’d venture to say it captures the purity of our connection. Or maybe the one we used to share. Although it is of my beliefs that the connection is still & always the same. The only changes are how you/I/we treat it. Even as we become strangers, it’ll always remain as it once was. For better and worse. 
[9.5.13]
When I first thought I had to write about this we were still bound together by a pact of Love. It was just too soon. Now? It’s just another memory in a long line, soon to be, if not already, forgotten. I’d venture to say it captures the purity of our connection. Or maybe the one we used to share. Although it is of my beliefs that the connection is still & always the same. The only changes are how you/I/we treat it. Even as we have become strangers, it’ll always remain as it once was. For better and worse.

[5.6.15]

Again with the dreams?Jesus F Christ

Can I catch a break?

I’m too tired to even write this

Again 

Some variation of the same thing I’ve written for the past 5 years. 

I haven’t run out of things to say

Oh no

I could write about you forever

But today? I’m tired

Why is it you?

ALWAYS YOU!

I haven’t run from my feelings

I’ve accepted everything. 

Shit, I fuckin embrace it

Cuz what else is there to do? 

Crying and depression aren’t the move

But it’s everything with you

Well over a year with NO CONTACT 

Yet, AND STILL, here I am. 

*sigh*

There’s other women. 

Women that I LOVE

but still, it is you 

What did I do to deserve such cruelty?

I’m being punished for something I did in my past life.

Have to be.

I know it

Because no one deserves this

The ink bleeds from my heart onto these pages

But the only thing it writes is your name 

There’s a lot of people who think still Loving/being in Love with an ex is romanticizing the past. Loving a memory. But you ever stop to think that it’s just unreciprocated unconditional Love? Because I do. I know that mine is, at least. And if you Love(d) me like you said, well, you still have it in your heart. You just deny it. To protect your magic. I cannot fault you for that. Not in the least. We have destroyed ourselves for each other. That’s the ugly side of it. The beautiful side is undeniable. But if I’m wrong about you? Then our Love was NEVER gonna last. I don’t think I am. Though, it is irrelevant. We are where we are now. Worlds apart. Never to communicate again. Dare I say, even crossing paths is extremely unlikely. The world is so small, but large enough to hide in, if you choose to do so. I’ve never chosen to hide and am not now. I’m not just nostalgic for our past selves and romanticizing that Love. Every time we reconnected, we fell in Love, again. Even while we both, admittedly, never fell out of Love. Just patience. So, with that, our Love is/was unconditional. Maybe we could’ve and could still make it work. Who knows. But the message is that the Love was and is REAL. Faults and mistakes and everything in between. I’ll never be ashamed to say that I still Love you. I Love you

Another day

I wrote a bunch of things that are clearly not finished. Maybe I’ll finish em one day. Maybe. Who cares…

The only place our Love lingers is in these pages. My pen continues to bleed your name. I have no choice in the matter. I am but a vessel of Love in your name.
When she reduced everything we share(d) to having similar interest in music I knew the lies she was telling herself to protect her from falling back into our painful cycle of Love. I had to let her go. For the sake of both of us. That may have been the most Loving thing I’ve ever done for her. And myself
I guess every time I look at the moon I’m really looking at you. Hoping you’re looking too. That you can feel me, as I can feel you. Knowing that we are always connected as we move forward in our separate journeys.
We came to each other in pieces.
Yet made each other feel whole
With every piece of you that I saw I couldn’t find one I couldn’t Love
We took each other at our flaws.
As deep as they were
We knew there would be

Funny how recently you’ve come back up all over again. Everybody has a question. It seems it’s all still about you. Even when it’s not… *blows kiss to moon*

Exactly 3 weeks away from 1 year. Can’t even believe it. But I can. It was gonna be something on my mind nonstop regardless. But now it seems as though the universe is making sure I’m constantly reminded. You’ve been brought up by more people than I can remember this month. I have had 3 in-depth conversations about you. No matter what I say, people seem to have an optimism about us, still. it’s weird. But I’m not any “ism”. I’m just here. You’re just there. Wherever that is. I’ve realized so many fucking things. Still growing up. But we’ll see where we land. I’m willing to bet we continue on separate paths. It’d be nice to cross again though. I just won’t be hoping for anything. I’ll just be existing. To our existence *holds tea up* cheers, Love