I wrote this for shawty a while back. But she ain’t never gon see it so fuck it. Here you go
Good lord the dreams
Every night I see you in a new light
Granted, it’s my mind creating fantasy
But it’s the only way I get to spend time with you
And you know I’ll take anything I can get
You have been the most consistent thing on my mind in recent weeks
Ok fine. Recent months.
Maybe even years.
what did I do to deserve this cruelty?
Now it’s out there
And despite mitigating circumstances you engage me
The best part of my day is a response from you
I can’t lie. It’s not enough
I want more
As much as I can have
I’m selfish like that
I make no excuses about it
Though, I am waiting patiently
But patience can only run so long
Before it turns to demand
I will demand your touch
I demand you
All of you
These are 2 slightly different intros for a narrative thing I wrote. I the first intro when I thought I was letting Her go. But shortly there after we had our last fling and didn’t write the thing. Then almost 2 years later I slightly changed the intro. And eventually wrote the thing. It’ll be on here one of these days. The thing is about a moment in June 2012. And 3 years later I wrote about it. After 2 years of stalling. Anyway that’s the background on these things going forward…
When I first thought I had to write about this we were still bound together by a pact of Love. It was just too soon. Now? It’s just another memory in a long line, soon to be, if not already, forgotten. I’d venture to say it captures the purity of our connection. Or maybe the one we used to share. Although it is of my beliefs that the connection is still & always the same. The only changes are how you/I/we treat it. Even as we become strangers, it’ll always remain as it once was. For better and worse.
When I first thought I had to write about this we were still bound together by a pact of Love. It was just too soon. Now? It’s just another memory in a long line, soon to be, if not already, forgotten. I’d venture to say it captures the purity of our connection. Or maybe the one we used to share. Although it is of my beliefs that the connection is still & always the same. The only changes are how you/I/we treat it. Even as we have become strangers, it’ll always remain as it once was. For better and worse.
Again with the dreams?Jesus F Christ
Can I catch a break?
I’m too tired to even write this
Some variation of the same thing I’ve written for the past 5 years.
I haven’t run out of things to say
I could write about you forever
But today? I’m tired
Why is it you?
I haven’t run from my feelings
I’ve accepted everything.
Shit, I fuckin embrace it
Cuz what else is there to do?
Crying and depression aren’t the move
But it’s everything with you
Well over a year with NO CONTACT
Yet, AND STILL, here I am.
There’s other women.
Women that I LOVE
but still, it is you
What did I do to deserve such cruelty?
I’m being punished for something I did in my past life.
Have to be.
I know it
Because no one deserves this
The ink bleeds from my heart onto these pages
But the only thing it writes is your name
There’s a lot of people who think still Loving/being in Love with an ex is romanticizing the past. Loving a memory. But you ever stop to think that it’s just unreciprocated unconditional Love? Because I do. I know that mine is, at least. And if you Love(d) me like you said, well, you still have it in your heart. You just deny it. To protect your magic. I cannot fault you for that. Not in the least. We have destroyed ourselves for each other. That’s the ugly side of it. The beautiful side is undeniable. But if I’m wrong about you? Then our Love was NEVER gonna last. I don’t think I am. Though, it is irrelevant. We are where we are now. Worlds apart. Never to communicate again. Dare I say, even crossing paths is extremely unlikely. The world is so small, but large enough to hide in, if you choose to do so. I’ve never chosen to hide and am not now. I’m not just nostalgic for our past selves and romanticizing that Love. Every time we reconnected, we fell in Love, again. Even while we both, admittedly, never fell out of Love. Just patience. So, with that, our Love is/was unconditional. Maybe we could’ve and could still make it work. Who knows. But the message is that the Love was and is REAL. Faults and mistakes and everything in between. I’ll never be ashamed to say that I still Love you. I Love you
It seems I’m still caught in the vicious cycle
Alas, this time you won’t be back
I know this.
Yet my subconscious feels the need to remind me
And surely vividly
Most of the time it’s not even a Love filled reunion
Just an awkward passing by
I know where you are in my heart
I don’t need some cruel reminder every night when my body is rejuvenating
At least this fantasy didn’t come with a side of depression this time around
It’s not even a longing.
I just miss you
I spend all day occupying my mind
pushing any stray thoughts of you to the back
They choose a hell of a way to manifest
One night I was able to wake myself up mid dream
I didn’t want to get wrapped up in one of those feel EVERYTHING lucid movies
I don’t know if I could’ve made it back from my mind tricking me into feeling your warmth again
The cold is cruel and awakening.
But sometimes very refreshing.
I’ll find some balance
As your real warmth is no longer here to blanket me
I must create my own
So I guess I’ll just see you later
In my dreams
I wrote a bunch of things that are clearly not finished. Maybe I’ll finish em one day. Maybe. Who cares…
The only place our Love lingers is in these pages. My pen continues to bleed your name. I have no choice in the matter. I am but a vessel of Love in your name.
When she reduced everything we share(d) to having similar interest in music I knew the lies she was telling herself to protect her from falling back into our painful cycle of Love. I had to let her go. For the sake of both of us. That may have been the most Loving thing I’ve ever done for her. And myself
I guess every time I look at the moon I’m really looking at you. Hoping you’re looking too. That you can feel me, as I can feel you. Knowing that we are always connected as we move forward in our separate journeys.
We came to each other in pieces.
Yet made each other feel whole
With every piece of you that I saw I couldn’t find one I couldn’t Love
We took each other at our flaws.
As deep as they were
We knew there would be
Funny how recently you’ve come back up all over again. Everybody has a question. It seems it’s all still about you. Even when it’s not… *blows kiss to moon*
Exactly 3 weeks away from 1 year. Can’t even believe it. But I can. It was gonna be something on my mind nonstop regardless. But now it seems as though the universe is making sure I’m constantly reminded. You’ve been brought up by more people than I can remember this month. I have had 3 in-depth conversations about you. No matter what I say, people seem to have an optimism about us, still. it’s weird. But I’m not any “ism”. I’m just here. You’re just there. Wherever that is. I’ve realized so many fucking things. Still growing up. But we’ll see where we land. I’m willing to bet we continue on separate paths. It’d be nice to cross again though. I just won’t be hoping for anything. I’ll just be existing. To our existence *holds tea up* cheers, Love
Once a month someone asks about you without fail
I’m having more deep, lucid dreams. Which would suggest that I’m sleeping deeper but I still wake up a bunch. So who knows
Guess who’s still my favorite nightmare? Yup. YOU. AT least once a night. Still. Even as I share my bed with another.
My most meaningful connections with women continue to be long distance. The closet one is a 6+ hour drive away. While the others are just a plane ride cross country. Maybe that’s by subconscious design? *shrugsies*
I miss you most at night.
We own(ed) the night
Every night with you lasted forever.
Each kiss an eternity.
We promised each other forever.
We didn’t quite make it there
But maybe our forevers were in moments
Moments to last us forever.
Memories of true Love to take with us on our separate journeys.
Whether we cross paths again or not
We shall be connected forever
By our little infinities that we carry with us
I’m writing again guys. You know what that means. So much feels.