im back?

Several people have asked if i still write. Technically i don’t, but i mean, technically i do. i only write one offs for specific people and send it to them. i don’t write random abstract pieces to share with the world anymore. let alone detailed narratives of brief moments captured in time. but i suppose i not longer write on a regular basis for a few reasons.

  1. the first inspiration for writing was an outlet. mostly for my depression. i wasn’t really comfortable talking about it so i wrote about things. Not necessarily that were in relation to the depression, maybe not in a linear manner, but still an outlet. an outlet for the feelings i had bottled up for my entire life before i exploded at 23. love, lust, anger. SO MUCH ANGER. Sadness, disappointment, etc. i found an outlet and surprisingly, or not, it was a skill i had been running from for years. writing
  2. my biggest fan was/is gone. Shit, not only my biggest fan but my muse. so after that was am i to do? a person to whom at least 90% of my work was dedicated, to in some form or the other. now who am i writing for? it was and always should be me. but lets be real, it was for her too. for a while i gained a loyal following for these works. much more than music coverage ever brought me. but HIGH KEY that never mattered. it was a combination of my outlet and her reading it. it was almost like a game. And we played right into each other’s hands.
  3. now, the biggest reason i don’t write is back to number 1. It makes me emotional man. in a way I’m not quite ready to handle. i wrote something for LDS fairly recent and that shit destroyed me. i took a 3 month break before finishing it. I’m guessing I’m scared to feel that hurt for Love again.

the funny thing is that hurt will fuel another books worth of material from my heart to the paper. because i absolutely write with the blood of from my heart, sealed with a kiss. my passion isn’t dead from breaking connection with olwhatshername, instead it’s just lying dormant until I’m ready for the pain again. maybe ill never be “ready”. i just have to open up and see what comes of it. then maybe i’ll be able to bless these pages on a semi regular basis again. Maybe this my declaration of being back in the game. maybe not. i certainly have no clue. but i hope it is.

secretly.

I wrote this for shawty a while back. But she ain’t never gon see it so fuck it. Here you go 
The dreams

Good lord the dreams 

Every night I see you in a new light

Granted, it’s my mind creating fantasy

But it’s the only way I get to spend time with you

And you know I’ll take anything I can get

You have been the most consistent thing on my mind in recent weeks

Ok fine. Recent months. 

Maybe even years.

secretly. 

Why?

How?

what did I do to deserve this cruelty?

Now it’s out there

And despite mitigating circumstances you engage me

The best part of my day is a response from you

I can’t lie. It’s not enough

I want more

As much as I can have

I’m selfish like that

I make no excuses about it

Though, I am waiting patiently

But patience can only run so long

Before it turns to demand

I will demand your touch

Your kiss

Your flesh

You 

I demand you

All of you 

intro to a thing

These are 2 slightly different intros for a narrative thing I wrote. I the first intro when I thought I was letting Her go. But shortly there after we had our last fling and didn’t write the thing. Then almost 2 years later I slightly changed the intro. And eventually wrote the thing. It’ll be on here one of these days. The thing is about a moment in June 2012. And 3 years later I wrote about it. After 2 years of stalling. Anyway that’s the background on these things going forward…
When I first thought I had to write about this we were still bound together by a pact of Love. It was just too soon. Now? It’s just another memory in a long line, soon to be, if not already, forgotten. I’d venture to say it captures the purity of our connection. Or maybe the one we used to share. Although it is of my beliefs that the connection is still & always the same. The only changes are how you/I/we treat it. Even as we become strangers, it’ll always remain as it once was. For better and worse. 
[9.5.13]
When I first thought I had to write about this we were still bound together by a pact of Love. It was just too soon. Now? It’s just another memory in a long line, soon to be, if not already, forgotten. I’d venture to say it captures the purity of our connection. Or maybe the one we used to share. Although it is of my beliefs that the connection is still & always the same. The only changes are how you/I/we treat it. Even as we have become strangers, it’ll always remain as it once was. For better and worse.

[5.6.15]

M+C <3

Went to my cousin wedding this weekend. It was beautiful. Her dress was amazing and her husband suit was fucking incredible. I mean couldn’t get over that bitch. It was blue. Man. Ima lose this weight and buy me a suit. Tailored. Anywho. They walked down the aisle to their friend singing Ed Sheeran and first dance to Don’tChange. This is for them.

I’m tired 

Again with the dreams?Jesus F Christ

Can I catch a break?

I’m too tired to even write this

Again 

Some variation of the same thing I’ve written for the past 5 years. 

I haven’t run out of things to say

Oh no

I could write about you forever

But today? I’m tired

Why is it you?

ALWAYS YOU!

I haven’t run from my feelings

I’ve accepted everything. 

Shit, I fuckin embrace it

Cuz what else is there to do? 

Crying and depression aren’t the move

But it’s everything with you

Well over a year with NO CONTACT 

Yet, AND STILL, here I am. 

*sigh*

There’s other women. 

Women that I LOVE

but still, it is you 

What did I do to deserve such cruelty?

I’m being punished for something I did in my past life.

Have to be.

I know it

Because no one deserves this

The ink bleeds from my heart onto these pages

But the only thing it writes is your name 

Romaticizing…

There’s a lot of people who think still Loving/being in Love with an ex is romanticizing the past. Loving a memory. But you ever stop to think that it’s just unreciprocated unconditional Love? Because I do. I know that mine is, at least. And if you Love(d) me like you said, well, you still have it in your heart. You just deny it. To protect your magic. I cannot fault you for that. Not in the least. We have destroyed ourselves for each other. That’s the ugly side of it. The beautiful side is undeniable. But if I’m wrong about you? Then our Love was NEVER gonna last. I don’t think I am. Though, it is irrelevant. We are where we are now. Worlds apart. Never to communicate again. Dare I say, even crossing paths is extremely unlikely. The world is so small, but large enough to hide in, if you choose to do so. I’ve never chosen to hide and am not now. I’m not just nostalgic for our past selves and romanticizing that Love. Every time we reconnected, we fell in Love, again. Even while we both, admittedly, never fell out of Love. Just patience. So, with that, our Love is/was unconditional. Maybe we could’ve and could still make it work. Who knows. But the message is that the Love was and is REAL. Faults and mistakes and everything in between. I’ll never be ashamed to say that I still Love you. I Love you

Pesdilla favorita

Another day

Another dream
It seems I’m still caught in the vicious cycle
You’re gone
Been gone
Alas, this time you won’t be back
I know this. 
Yet my subconscious feels the need to remind me
Almost daily
And surely vividly
Most of the time it’s not even a Love filled reunion
Just an awkward passing by
I know where you are in my heart 
I don’t need some cruel reminder every night when my body is rejuvenating
At least this fantasy didn’t come with a side of depression this time around
It’s not even a longing. 
I just miss you
I spend all day occupying my mind
pushing any stray thoughts of you to the back
They choose a hell of a way to manifest
One night I was able to wake myself up mid dream
I didn’t want to get wrapped up in one of those feel EVERYTHING lucid movies
I don’t know if I could’ve made it back from my mind tricking me into feeling your warmth again
Well “warmth”
The cold is cruel and awakening. 
But sometimes very refreshing. 
I’ll find some balance 
As your real warmth is no longer here to blanket me
I must create my own 
So I guess I’ll just see you later
In my dreams