Several people have asked if i still write. Technically i don’t, but i mean, technically i do. i only write one offs for specific people and send it to them. i don’t write random abstract pieces to share with the world anymore. let alone detailed narratives of brief moments captured in time. but i suppose i not longer write on a regular basis for a few reasons.
the first inspiration for writing was an outlet. mostly for my depression. i wasn’t really comfortable talking about it so i wrote about things. Not necessarily that were in relation to the depression, maybe not in a linear manner, but still an outlet. an outlet for the feelings i had bottled up for my entire life before i exploded at 23. love, lust, anger. SO MUCH ANGER. Sadness, disappointment, etc. i found an outlet and surprisingly, or not, it was a skill i had been running from for years. writing
my biggest fan was/is gone. Shit, not only my biggest fan but my muse. so after that was am i to do? a person to whom at least 90% of my work was dedicated, to in some form or the other. now who am i writing for? it was and always should be me. but lets be real, it was for her too. for a while i gained a loyal following for these works. much more than music coverage ever brought me. but HIGH KEY that never mattered. it was a combination of my outlet and her reading it. it was almost like a game. And we played right into each other’s hands.
now, the biggest reason i don’t write is back to number 1. It makes me emotional man. in a way I’m not quite ready to handle. i wrote something for LDS fairly recent and that shit destroyed me. i took a 3 month break before finishing it. I’m guessing I’m scared to feel that hurt for Love again.
the funny thing is that hurt will fuel another books worth of material from my heart to the paper. because i absolutely write with the blood of from my heart, sealed with a kiss. my passion isn’t dead from breaking connection with olwhatshername, instead it’s just lying dormant until I’m ready for the pain again. maybe ill never be “ready”. i just have to open up and see what comes of it. then maybe i’ll be able to bless these pages on a semi regular basis again. Maybe this my declaration of being back in the game. maybe not. i certainly have no clue. but i hope it is.
These are 2 slightly different intros for a narrative thing I wrote. I the first intro when I thought I was letting Her go. But shortly there after we had our last fling and didn’t write the thing. Then almost 2 years later I slightly changed the intro. And eventually wrote the thing. It’ll be on here one of these days. The thing is about a moment in June 2012. And 3 years later I wrote about it. After 2 years of stalling. Anyway that’s the background on these things going forward…
When I first thought I had to write about this we were still bound together by a pact of Love. It was just too soon. Now? It’s just another memory in a long line, soon to be, if not already, forgotten. I’d venture to say it captures the purity of our connection. Or maybe the one we used to share. Although it is of my beliefs that the connection is still & always the same. The only changes are how you/I/we treat it. Even as we become strangers, it’ll always remain as it once was. For better and worse.
When I first thought I had to write about this we were still bound together by a pact of Love. It was just too soon. Now? It’s just another memory in a long line, soon to be, if not already, forgotten. I’d venture to say it captures the purity of our connection. Or maybe the one we used to share. Although it is of my beliefs that the connection is still & always the same. The only changes are how you/I/we treat it. Even as we have become strangers, it’ll always remain as it once was. For better and worse.
Went to my cousin wedding this weekend. It was beautiful. Her dress was amazing and her husband suit was fucking incredible. I mean couldn’t get over that bitch. It was blue. Man. Ima lose this weight and buy me a suit. Tailored. Anywho. They walked down the aisle to their friend singing Ed Sheeran and first dance to Don’tChange. This is for them.
There’s a lot of people who think still Loving/being in Love with an ex is romanticizing the past. Loving a memory. But you ever stop to think that it’s just unreciprocated unconditional Love? Because I do. I know that mine is, at least. And if you Love(d) me like you said, well, you still have it in your heart. You just deny it. To protect your magic. I cannot fault you for that. Not in the least. We have destroyed ourselves for each other. That’s the ugly side of it. The beautiful side is undeniable. But if I’m wrong about you? Then our Love was NEVER gonna last. I don’t think I am. Though, it is irrelevant. We are where we are now. Worlds apart. Never to communicate again. Dare I say, even crossing paths is extremely unlikely. The world is so small, but large enough to hide in, if you choose to do so. I’ve never chosen to hide and am not now. I’m not just nostalgic for our past selves and romanticizing that Love. Every time we reconnected, we fell in Love, again. Even while we both, admittedly, never fell out of Love. Just patience. So, with that, our Love is/was unconditional. Maybe we could’ve and could still make it work. Who knows. But the message is that the Love was and is REAL. Faults and mistakes and everything in between. I’ll never be ashamed to say that I still Love you. I Love you
I wrote a bunch of things that are clearly not finished. Maybe I’ll finish em one day. Maybe. Who cares…
The only place our Love lingers is in these pages. My pen continues to bleed your name. I have no choice in the matter. I am but a vessel of Love in your name.
When she reduced everything we share(d) to having similar interest in music I knew the lies she was telling herself to protect her from falling back into our painful cycle of Love. I had to let her go. For the sake of both of us. That may have been the most Loving thing I’ve ever done for her. And myself
I guess every time I look at the moon I’m really looking at you. Hoping you’re looking too. That you can feel me, as I can feel you. Knowing that we are always connected as we move forward in our separate journeys.
We came to each other in pieces.
Yet made each other feel whole
With every piece of you that I saw I couldn’t find one I couldn’t Love
We took each other at our flaws.
As deep as they were
We knew there would be
Funny how recently you’ve come back up all over again. Everybody has a question. It seems it’s all still about you. Even when it’s not… *blows kiss to moon*
Exactly 3 weeks away from 1 year. Can’t even believe it. But I can. It was gonna be something on my mind nonstop regardless. But now it seems as though the universe is making sure I’m constantly reminded. You’ve been brought up by more people than I can remember this month. I have had 3 in-depth conversations about you. No matter what I say, people seem to have an optimism about us, still. it’s weird. But I’m not any “ism”. I’m just here. You’re just there. Wherever that is. I’ve realized so many fucking things. Still growing up. But we’ll see where we land. I’m willing to bet we continue on separate paths. It’d be nice to cross again though. I just won’t be hoping for anything. I’ll just be existing. To our existence *holds tea up* cheers, Love