im back?

Several people have asked if i still write. Technically i don’t, but i mean, technically i do. i only write one offs for specific people and send it to them. i don’t write random abstract pieces to share with the world anymore. let alone detailed narratives of brief moments captured in time. but i suppose i not longer write on a regular basis for a few reasons.

  1. the first inspiration for writing was an outlet. mostly for my depression. i wasn’t really comfortable talking about it so i wrote about things. Not necessarily that were in relation to the depression, maybe not in a linear manner, but still an outlet. an outlet for the feelings i had bottled up for my entire life before i exploded at 23. love, lust, anger. SO MUCH ANGER. Sadness, disappointment, etc. i found an outlet and surprisingly, or not, it was a skill i had been running from for years. writing
  2. my biggest fan was/is gone. Shit, not only my biggest fan but my muse. so after that was am i to do? a person to whom at least 90% of my work was dedicated, to in some form or the other. now who am i writing for? it was and always should be me. but lets be real, it was for her too. for a while i gained a loyal following for these works. much more than music coverage ever brought me. but HIGH KEY that never mattered. it was a combination of my outlet and her reading it. it was almost like a game. And we played right into each other’s hands.
  3. now, the biggest reason i don’t write is back to number 1. It makes me emotional man. in a way I’m not quite ready to handle. i wrote something for LDS fairly recent and that shit destroyed me. i took a 3 month break before finishing it. I’m guessing I’m scared to feel that hurt for Love again.

the funny thing is that hurt will fuel another books worth of material from my heart to the paper. because i absolutely write with the blood of from my heart, sealed with a kiss. my passion isn’t dead from breaking connection with olwhatshername, instead it’s just lying dormant until I’m ready for the pain again. maybe ill never be “ready”. i just have to open up and see what comes of it. then maybe i’ll be able to bless these pages on a semi regular basis again. Maybe this my declaration of being back in the game. maybe not. i certainly have no clue. but i hope it is.

Author: bananaclipse

i like turtles

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