Wrote this on Monday before my latest trip to the ER:
Been scared to put the pen to paper. We all know what’s coming next. Yet another ode to Love. An ode to You. In near death it seems all I wanted was/is you. To be comforted by the sound of your voice. In a perfect world, your touch. I have no regard for self-preservation when it comes to you. How could I? Your are my lifeline. No matter if we never cross paths again. YOU ARE MY LIFE LINE. I haven’t even been able to cry. I almost did a few times. Again, it has more to do with you than my own mortality. Why?! WHY?! The universe gave me life once again. I guess I’ve worn out my chances to even have so much as a conversation with you. Now I write this to you. For you. Knowing your eyes will never see these words. And if they do, will your heart still absorb them? So many variables. But not for me. Cuz it will always be for you. I mean, it’s for me. My expression. My wants. Needs. But those as pertaining to you. As usual. Going through life with a missing piece. Doing any and everything to distract myself from that void. There is no real confrontation. Just a fact to be accepted. I shall always remain incomplete thru my journey.
Start thinking of you You on your day and my heart begins to beat at a slow deliberate pace. Like when I see you or when we embrace. When the world stops and becomes ours. When I’m trying with every fiber of my being to play it cool. Muting myself because I wanna lose my shit all over you. Only you bring that out of me. Perhaps only you ever will. In this moment I have learned that my heart still beats for you. I mean DUH, right? Or not so much as I spend so much time suppressing all the feels for you. Which is quite literally ALL the feels I have. Even when I have eyes for another. It’s still fucking you. The madness. The torture. The pure insanity of this Love. From day 1. Truly is endless. Except in practice. Yet and still, people inquire of our connection. They seem to know it still exists. But do you? Perhaps you do. And for self preservation you remain hidden away from me. One day we are bound to make it back. For all our turmoil will be wiped away and the fairy tale we always dreamed lies ahead. Will we wake up to live it? Merry anniversary, Love.
Hey. I know it’s been a while. And yes, I have been avoiding you. Why? I don’t know, I mean. Why else? I can’t actually communicate with you. Also, ever since I won the most recent depression battle I didn’t want to slide back. Everything is better when the beast is tamed. It’s like I can think sad thoughts but they don’t engulf my entire being. Leaving me empty and hollow. Not to mention the physical manifestations cuz Jesus Christ I can’t cope with that. But here I am. again. People bring you up semi-regularly. Not too much that it drives me insane but enough to make sure I NEVER forget. LULZ! As if that’ll ever happen. Right? Like everything I do everyday doesn’t constantly remind me of you. Am I right?! Few people are still convinced we’ll cross paths again. If I was unsure before I’m pretty god damn sure now that we won’t. But I’ve been wrong before and for some reason hope to be wrong again. What else can you hope for when I went to sleep thinkin bout you. Had dreams about you. Then woke up at 230 with you still running laps in my head. You gotta be tired after all that running, don’t you? I know I am. I’m so fucked in the head. But you know this. I don’t think I’ll ever be right. Though, I can and will always be better. This isn’t some fuckin progress report. Or begging. Just letting the universe know the most painfully obvious thing in the history of time. I fucking miss you. And more so lately. I think my heart is back repaired again. Stitched together. It’s yours to break again. If you want. Although that’s never been your intention. Your intentions were always for us to make each other whole. Fill the holes in each other’s pieced together hearts. And we did just that. If only for moments at a time. Maybe we’ll do it again. Maybe we won’t. But right now I miss you. In a way that doesn’t hurt. I think I mastered that want over need thing. Better late than never right? Heh heh (c) rocko. But hey you know where to find me. For now. And I’ll be here. For now. I promised you forever. And that part of me will never go away. It’s yours. Whether you want it or not. Until we meet again, Love. *blows kiss*
So I hear a Spanish song, right? I’m not paying much attention to it. But then I HEAR it. It’s like OOPSPOWSURPRISE! It sounds great. The music, the singing. It grabbed me. So I have to find it. Thru the power of Google and shazam I find it. And do you fucking know who the song is by… FUCKING AVENTURA!! Like wow. You’re thinking like “Duh dumbass, they’re only one of the most popular fucking Spanish bands around”. But no, see. Of course I’d fucking like an Aventura song out the blue cuz it’s one of HER favorites. At some point she might have suggested I listen to some of their shit. I can never get away from YOU. truth is I don’t want to. Little things like this keep you in my heart. For better and worse, but I’m ok with that. Cuz when I looked down at my phone and saw who and what I was listening to? KOOL AID!!!!!! Hardcore koolaid cheesin. Smile like I’s a dumb fool. A smile for you.
“Do not forget who put the crown on your childish head”
-Artemisia, 3hunna: rise of an empire
Never will I forget. I owe it all you.
Thursday was a really bad day. I had a resurgence of depression. But I’m back. Friday was eehhhh. But sadderday was just great. I fought thru and overcame. Now I’m at work to begin Sunday. We’ll see how it goes. The struggle is constant and all I want is to hear her voice. *sigh*
I wrote this bout 2/3 weeks ago at around 2/3am. Sitting awake. Thinking about the same old things. Love. You. I thought I’d complete it when the events actually took place (or didn’t take place. SPOILER: they didn’t). But I came to the conclusion that it is. And if I add to it later? Then I do. But for now. It’s finished….
I told everyone that my anniversary was the measurement on which to gauge our future. Or lack thereof. And as I sit here longing for you to reach out I can see the empty pages in our book begin to disintegrate. Our story has truly ended. Unfinished and unfulfilled. Nothing left to write. Revising and editing isn’t possible. Just reading and reliving the memories. Good and bad. The Love will always remain. What we were. What we are. What we could have been. Our future fading away on empty pages.
Song is still relevant for all types of reasons. Very apt title since I’m working that young 2am – 2pm shift. Happy fucking birthday to me right? Except I say merry anniversary but Whatevs. I wrote some shit so maybe I’ll post that. Really only one thing I want today but I’m not holding my breath.
I deleted your contact. It’s the only way I’d be sure not to contact you. Cuz I surely want to call you. Text you. (I’ve staved off emailing. I’ve close come though). About everything. About nothing. Heard some music you NEED to hear. But now it’s all mine. I can’t even share. Should I even share it? Is it ok? Is it right? Does any of this shit even matter? I found some gifs you absolutely need. Some hilarious pictures. PUNS!! Many feels to express. I went thru it waaaaay rougher than I was willing to admit to anyone. Myself included. Now I’m back on track. But once again I don’t feel on track. Not without you. It’s back to doing everything I’m supposed to be doing and what I was supposed to be for myself and for you, now that you’re gone. It doesn’t matter. Except that it does. Always has. Always will. Everything matters. It’s always about me. Even when it’s about you. It’s about me. Cuz doing for me was doing for you. I’m without a doubt the dumbest smartest person ever. This might be a lesson that fucks me up til I drop. In the meantime I’ll be a ghost. Until one day I find your contact and hit that button. I’m willing to bet I get nothing. But it can happen, right? Love is patient, Love is kind, only when you’re not hitting it recklessly with a sledgehammer without regard for the damage you’re doing. Otherwise Love is a bitch like life. And you have to pick up what pieces remain and make do. Maybe we can make ourselves whole and reconnect to fill the void we left. Or maybe we just damaged it too much to repair. I don’t care. I’ll be back for you. Even in rejection I’ll be whole, as I’ll have finally earned the crown you placed upon my head long ago.
I had to admit to some things to help my friend feel better about her feelings. Let her know she is not alone.
I keep getting asked about you.
I guess in the end I should know I CAN’T avoid it.
The funny part was when she said “when you guys do it again, that has to be it”
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