I miss you most at night.
We own(ed) the night
Every night with you lasted forever.
Each kiss an eternity.
We promised each other forever.
We didn’t quite make it there
But maybe our forevers were in moments
Moments to last us forever.
Memories of true Love to take with us on our separate journeys.
Whether we cross paths again or not
We shall be connected forever
By our little infinities that we carry with us
Love, my words become stained with your love.
You occupy everything, you occupy everything.
– Pablo Neruda, “So That You Will Hear Me”
This basically describes everything I’ve written since 6.12.09. And everything I will ever write.
Wrote this on Monday before my latest trip to the ER:
Been scared to put the pen to paper. We all know what’s coming next. Yet another ode to Love. An ode to You. In near death it seems all I wanted was/is you. To be comforted by the sound of your voice. In a perfect world, your touch. I have no regard for self-preservation when it comes to you. How could I? Your are my lifeline. No matter if we never cross paths again. YOU ARE MY LIFE LINE. I haven’t even been able to cry. I almost did a few times. Again, it has more to do with you than my own mortality. Why?! WHY?! The universe gave me life once again. I guess I’ve worn out my chances to even have so much as a conversation with you. Now I write this to you. For you. Knowing your eyes will never see these words. And if they do, will your heart still absorb them? So many variables. But not for me. Cuz it will always be for you. I mean, it’s for me. My expression. My wants. Needs. But those as pertaining to you. As usual. Going through life with a missing piece. Doing any and everything to distract myself from that void. There is no real confrontation. Just a fact to be accepted. I shall always remain incomplete thru my journey.
The kid’s funeral was today. I’ll reserve my judgements about some of the decisions made. But I hope this brought the young man’s soul some peace. Also, his family. There is still a major fight to be fought. But this here isn’t about that. It’s about laying this young man’s soul to rest. A small step towards healing.
Start thinking of you You on your day and my heart begins to beat at a slow deliberate pace. Like when I see you or when we embrace. When the world stops and becomes ours. When I’m trying with every fiber of my being to play it cool. Muting myself because I wanna lose my shit all over you. Only you bring that out of me. Perhaps only you ever will. In this moment I have learned that my heart still beats for you. I mean DUH, right? Or not so much as I spend so much time suppressing all the feels for you. Which is quite literally ALL the feels I have. Even when I have eyes for another. It’s still fucking you. The madness. The torture. The pure insanity of this Love. From day 1. Truly is endless. Except in practice. Yet and still, people inquire of our connection. They seem to know it still exists. But do you? Perhaps you do. And for self preservation you remain hidden away from me. One day we are bound to make it back. For all our turmoil will be wiped away and the fairy tale we always dreamed lies ahead. Will we wake up to live it? Merry anniversary, Love.
Hey. I know it’s been a while. And yes, I have been avoiding you. Why? I don’t know, I mean. Why else? I can’t actually communicate with you. Also, ever since I won the most recent depression battle I didn’t want to slide back. Everything is better when the beast is tamed. It’s like I can think sad thoughts but they don’t engulf my entire being. Leaving me empty and hollow. Not to mention the physical manifestations cuz Jesus Christ I can’t cope with that. But here I am. again. People bring you up semi-regularly. Not too much that it drives me insane but enough to make sure I NEVER forget. LULZ! As if that’ll ever happen. Right? Like everything I do everyday doesn’t constantly remind me of you. Am I right?! Few people are still convinced we’ll cross paths again. If I was unsure before I’m pretty god damn sure now that we won’t. But I’ve been wrong before and for some reason hope to be wrong again. What else can you hope for when I went to sleep thinkin bout you. Had dreams about you. Then woke up at 230 with you still running laps in my head. You gotta be tired after all that running, don’t you? I know I am. I’m so fucked in the head. But you know this. I don’t think I’ll ever be right. Though, I can and will always be better. This isn’t some fuckin progress report. Or begging. Just letting the universe know the most painfully obvious thing in the history of time. I fucking miss you. And more so lately. I think my heart is back repaired again. Stitched together. It’s yours to break again. If you want. Although that’s never been your intention. Your intentions were always for us to make each other whole. Fill the holes in each other’s pieced together hearts. And we did just that. If only for moments at a time. Maybe we’ll do it again. Maybe we won’t. But right now I miss you. In a way that doesn’t hurt. I think I mastered that want over need thing. Better late than never right? Heh heh (c) rocko. But hey you know where to find me. For now. And I’ll be here. For now. I promised you forever. And that part of me will never go away. It’s yours. Whether you want it or not. Until we meet again, Love. *blows kiss*
So I hear a Spanish song, right? I’m not paying much attention to it. But then I HEAR it. It’s like OOPSPOWSURPRISE! It sounds great. The music, the singing. It grabbed me. So I have to find it. Thru the power of Google and shazam I find it. And do you fucking know who the song is by… FUCKING AVENTURA!! Like wow. You’re thinking like “Duh dumbass, they’re only one of the most popular fucking Spanish bands around”. But no, see. Of course I’d fucking like an Aventura song out the blue cuz it’s one of HER favorites. At some point she might have suggested I listen to some of their shit. I can never get away from YOU. truth is I don’t want to. Little things like this keep you in my heart. For better and worse, but I’m ok with that. Cuz when I looked down at my phone and saw who and what I was listening to? KOOL AID!!!!!! Hardcore koolaid cheesin. Smile like I’s a dumb fool. A smile for you.