I miss you most at night.
We own(ed) the night
Every night with you lasted forever.
Each kiss an eternity.
We promised each other forever.
We didn’t quite make it there
But maybe our forevers were in moments
Moments to last us forever.
Memories of true Love to take with us on our separate journeys.
Whether we cross paths again or not
We shall be connected forever
By our little infinities that we carry with us
I’m writing again guys. You know what that means. So much feels.
Love, my words become stained with your love.
You occupy everything, you occupy everything.
– Pablo Neruda, “So That You Will Hear Me”
This basically describes everything I’ve written since 6.12.09. And everything I will ever write.
Wrote this on Monday before my latest trip to the ER:
Been scared to put the pen to paper. We all know what’s coming next. Yet another ode to Love. An ode to You. In near death it seems all I wanted was/is you. To be comforted by the sound of your voice. In a perfect world, your touch. I have no regard for self-preservation when it comes to you. How could I? Your are my lifeline. No matter if we never cross paths again. YOU ARE MY LIFE LINE. I haven’t even been able to cry. I almost did a few times. Again, it has more to do with you than my own mortality. Why?! WHY?! The universe gave me life once again. I guess I’ve worn out my chances to even have so much as a conversation with you. Now I write this to you. For you. Knowing your eyes will never see these words. And if they do, will your heart still absorb them? So many variables. But not for me. Cuz it will always be for you. I mean, it’s for me. My expression. My wants. Needs. But those as pertaining to you. As usual. Going through life with a missing piece. Doing any and everything to distract myself from that void. There is no real confrontation. Just a fact to be accepted. I shall always remain incomplete thru my journey.
The kid’s funeral was today. I’ll reserve my judgements about some of the decisions made. But I hope this brought the young man’s soul some peace. Also, his family. There is still a major fight to be fought. But this here isn’t about that. It’s about laying this young man’s soul to rest. A small step towards healing.
Start thinking of you You on your day and my heart begins to beat at a slow deliberate pace. Like when I see you or when we embrace. When the world stops and becomes ours. When I’m trying with every fiber of my being to play it cool. Muting myself because I wanna lose my shit all over you. Only you bring that out of me. Perhaps only you ever will. In this moment I have learned that my heart still beats for you. I mean DUH, right? Or not so much as I spend so much time suppressing all the feels for you. Which is quite literally ALL the feels I have. Even when I have eyes for another. It’s still fucking you. The madness. The torture. The pure insanity of this Love. From day 1. Truly is endless. Except in practice. Yet and still, people inquire of our connection. They seem to know it still exists. But do you? Perhaps you do. And for self preservation you remain hidden away from me. One day we are bound to make it back. For all our turmoil will be wiped away and the fairy tale we always dreamed lies ahead. Will we wake up to live it? Merry anniversary, Love.