Category: inside the mind of the insane

inside the mind of the insane

Hol’ Up


Promising day quickly fucking went south. And now after I get off work tonight and catch 4 burros home. I gotta get up at 4am to do it again. It was busy the second I walked in today. Tomorrow? Shiiit. Gonna be way worse. There’s no more cranberry juice in the vending machine. Water with my sandwich(es). My shoulder and neck are KILLIN for no reason. I just don’t quite have the patience today. I really thought listenin to Hol Up would make me feel better. It hasnt. And this chick is way too dependent on me emotionally. Stand on your own two. If you’re not learning from me and growing. Then why should I continue trying to help you? You need to help yourself. Let alone the turmoil that my own mind and heart are constanting fighting through.

But one day… One day… I’ll be free… One day…

Longing for that smile that make a nigga flip wild…

Normally it’s just me and my lonely mind

As I was pushin home The other night lots of shit was destroying my mind and soul. And novacane came on shuffle. When the beat dropped I had thought it was OLS3. until I realized my iTunes reset and I don’t have OLS 1-3 on here. Is this what my life’s become? Depressed but hype to hear Joe Budden songs? Fuck man. I have changed.

It’s not about me…

I wish when I read your words they were about me… But it’s NEVER been about me. EVER. I didn’t get that till recently…but what am I to do? To think? I want to matter. But when’s the last time I did? When’s the last time anything I did meant something? All these gestures. And carefully thought out moves. And gifts from my heart. For what? For nothing. Always for nothing. Cuz coming from me what value does it have? That’s the problem. I thought I still mattered. I thought I could still make a difference in your life….

The good, the bad, the struggle

Sometimes I wanna believe in god.
Wanna look to the heavens for guidance.
Praise his name when I get the glory.
Give him gratitude for my blessings.
But what about my misfortune.
What about my pain.
What about my struggle.
Where is MY LOVE?
Things could always be worse.
I always have just enough.
But where’s the stepping stone?
Dividends for hard work?
Never gives you something that you can’t handle.
I’ve held this burden since childhood when do I earn this weight being lifted off my shoulders.
It’s hard to believe what you can’t see it’s even harder to believe when the ways of the devil have been more of a friend than an enemy.
All praise god; have faith in the amazingest
But prays unanswered is why we become atheist
I’m supposed to keep faith when the hour’s the darkest?
It’d be a breeze if I knew where the light is
Believing till the end in an unfulfilling life just to make it on the team
Fuck that. I’ll make a pact with satan if it means I life on top
live live on my knees? Or live life in the breeze?
They say you can’t have it all
So some angels must fall
I’ll volunteer for that call
So long as I get to live in excess cuz you never can have too much
I guess my life’s dilemma can be answered so simply
But the means to that end? Well it’s quite impossible.
The eternal internal struggle continues.
3 sides to the story
Faith on the outside. While the devil’s within me

The art of waiting.

20110909-125315.jpg
I’m just stuck in a waiting game..
Well not so much a waiting game as 1) praying to the gods & earth for a miracle 2) waiting for hell to freeze over. 3) trying to force you to understand and accept something when frankly, you don’t have to do either. So that’s where I’m at. Them? Well, none of em are HERE so what does that tell you?

**the picture because it’s funny to me. Not because I’m a sad sack (at least not at the moment).

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