My mind won’t chill. I couldn’t sleep. So this is (and other shit I may or may not post) what happened.
When She said I wasn’t a hopeless romantic? I got defensive. Maybe I didn’t get what She meant. My interpretation now, is that, she’s right. Hopeless romantics, romanticize the idea of Love. They are “in Love with Love”, as an idea. It’s still a concept. And they build this idea so much, it’s mostly (or completely) unattainable. Where my Love of “Love” is real. I Love, LOVE itself. LOVE, of course, is Her. Something concrete. Something real. SOMEONE REAL. Something attainable. Something attained.
I’ve learned a lot of things through Her, directly and indirectly. And have had many realizations about myself in the process. Most of all, it’s about pieces. I have the pieces. For a while I’ve had all the pieces. But I didn’t realize putting them together was the most important part. I get too fixated on these little things, clouding the big picture. When I should focus on how to put these little things together to complete the puzzle. And once that puzzle is completed? Well I have a fine base. And I must start another puzzle. And another. And another. Shit I might have 10 at a time. But all these puzzles build this mountainous picture. And if I’m lucky, and progressing as I should. I’ll NEVER finish. Because you’re not supposed to. There’s always gonna be new pieces to add.
So the What took me so long to see the bigger picture instead of focusing on these little pieces? Idk. I’m stupid. I think it’s partially me caught up in practicality. Everything had a “step”. Maybe I made some excuses along the way? (I did). Balance and focus are what just about EVERYTHING are all about. It’s something I know, and knew. But practiced completely wrong. Completely out of balance. And an utter lack of focus. While convincing myself I was doing it right. And while a few steps were right. It doesn’t outweigh the (many and more) steps that were wrong. A few good steps every now and again don’t outweigh the constant bad ones. The constantly good will, however, outweigh the occasionally bad. I had the perfect example right in front of me and didn’t learn from that. Not immediately. Maybe I should approach life how I approached school. I didn’t know everything. I learned it. FAST. and applied it immediately. Whether on my own or by that of a teacher. Instead of walking around hard headed and feeling like I knew everything.
Ps. I’m still always right. But being always right showed me how dreadfully fucking wrong I’ve been.