Category: internetsing

So I wasn’t going to KCRW’s BeachBallFestival. I bought yeezus tickets. I’m good. Then BAM! Got an email saying that I, in fact, had won 2 tickets to the event. And I was ECSTATIC. My OT at work was taken from me and I was wondering what to do Saturday, being that both my plans ended up canceled. But nope! The based god had my back.
So bang. We get to Santa Monica Pier and we walk in, free tickets in hand. NO ONE IS HERE! Myron & E were performing their hearts out for 10-20 people. They were damn good too. Anywho we take a lap and there seems to be some decent food vendors nothing to lose your shit over. Except the bacon wrapped corn dog that I immediately ordered. I looked over and saw them put a light coating of mayo on my corndog and I was about to completely lose all of my shit cuz I HATE MAYO! But after doing that they sprinkled a blizzard of that salty Mexican cheese on that hoe and I knew I was about to be in heaven. It’s like the elote man was working the corndog stand and didn’t know any better and my world was about to benefit from his stubborn ways. It was amazing. I could live off them corndogs.
Next up was the man EVERYONE CAME TO SEE! (Or at least the man I came to see). Lee MUTHAFUCKIN Fields & The Expressions. Lee MFN Fields is the MFN Man! Was he dressed like and had the moves of a 70’s era blaxploitation pimp? Absolutely. That’s a little thing called swag. I’m guessing you’ve heard of it. Lee Fields has ALL of it. I imagine in his 40+ years as a musician with his corny moves (which weren’t corny in 1972) got him a little pussy. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was droppin it off in grandmas’ draws every night on tour. Maybe even the occasional Pre-menopause middle aged hoe. No lube necessary. Just Viagra. LOTS of Viagra. And Cocaine. He did 2 of the 3 songs I felt the most necessary for me to have a heavenly experience early in his set. So the rest was just gravy. Oh, and in addition to Mr. Fields moves there was a white man in the crowd with the worst/best dancing of all time. I mean he was gettin it the entire time. It was truly a sight to behold. Anywho, Lee (cuz we’re on a first name basis now, DUH) was makin these old hoes sweat. Another thing the crowd ranged from super duper hipster to weird Asians, to old ass people, to middle aged folk and a few Hispanic and black folk sprinkled in. Mostly a “mature” crowd. Lee gave the worst “encore” ever. Not the song, cuz it was Honey Dove and you know Honey Dove is the 3rd song I NEEDED to hear so Lee went 3/3, jolly good show. But worst cuz he left the stage for 30 secs & His band was playing when he came back for the “encore”. Either way bravo Lee MFN Fields. Your performance was awesome.
Legendary session saxophonist Maceo Parker and his band were next. So we just found a nice spot to sit and chill and let his performance be a soundtrack to our movie.
Allen Stone followed and let me tell you, I HATE YOU ALLEN STONE! You can keep your I wanna be black soul music but I don’t wanna be seen as a wanna be black white faux soul music. That shit is trash. And then you did a Bob Marley song. One of my favorites since I first heard the King as a youth. That ignited a passionate hatred within my heart for your entire existence. Not to mention you appropriated the black power fist and turned it into the white ball of stress fist. NO THANK YOU!
Then an angel took the stage. He literally floated onto the stage with wings and a halo. The glow was so bright I couldn’t quite make out who it was. Then he began to sing and covered up his angelic wardrobe with a fancy vintage suit and hat. The angel was Aloe Blacc. He, too, did the songs I most wanted to hear early in his set. I believe he did this just for me. I was suffering from severe back pain and the cold meant stretching wouldn’t help; the muscles were just too tense and wouldn’t loosen. So he did my favorite songs just for me enabling us to leave just a little early because I was suffering from this dreadful pain. We are telepathically linked, me and Aloe that is.
And just like that it was over (for us). The car had heated seats allowing for my back muscles to melt back into comfort. What a delightful Saturday.