(Not) Sharing is caring

I deleted your contact. It’s the only way I’d be sure not to contact you. Cuz I surely want to call you. Text you. (I’ve staved off emailing. I’ve close come though). About everything. About nothing. Heard some music you NEED to hear. But now it’s all mine. I can’t even share. Should I even share it? Is it ok? Is it right? Does any of this shit even matter? I found some gifs you absolutely need. Some hilarious pictures. PUNS!! Many feels to express. I went thru it waaaaay rougher than I was willing to admit to anyone. Myself included. Now I’m back on track. But once again I don’t feel on track. Not without you. It’s back to doing everything I’m supposed to be doing and what I was supposed to be for myself and for you, now that you’re gone. It doesn’t matter. Except that it does. Always has. Always will. Everything matters. It’s always about me. Even when it’s about you. It’s about me. Cuz doing for me was doing for you. I’m without a doubt the dumbest smartest person ever. This might be a lesson that fucks me up til I drop. In the meantime I’ll be a ghost. Until one day I find your contact and hit that button. I’m willing to bet I get nothing. But it can happen, right? Love is patient, Love is kind, only when you’re not hitting it recklessly with a sledgehammer without regard for the damage you’re doing. Otherwise Love is a bitch like life. And you have to pick up what pieces remain and make do. Maybe we can make ourselves whole and reconnect to fill the void we left. Or maybe we just damaged it too much to repair. I don’t care. I’ll be back for you. Even in rejection I’ll be whole, as I’ll have finally earned the crown you placed upon my head long ago.

6/12/09 – 2/16/14

20140227-074625.jpg
I’m not so sure she feels so “lucky” to have known and Loved me. Sure she has the relief though. Hank and Karen in such a bad way.

Atticus: The woman that you love is out there and you know you can’t have her. How do you even get up in the morning?
Hank: Well the booze is always helpful and so is the art. Everything that I write is either for her or about her. So I’m with her, even when I’m not.

And that’s really all that will be left. I wouldn’t be surprised if we never spoke again. That’s life. The life I created with my poor decisions. I will say, I don’t think you ever did or would’ve accepted me and all my flaws as I accepted yours. There’s more, but that’s all I feel the need to say now. Or maybe ever will.

FAILURE

Nearly 5 years of fucking up. That’s it. I failed. Over and over again. In the end, I had all the answers, and still I failed. And that’s REALLY it. This is by far the worst. Worse then before by a long shot. Lost my chance at glory. And it couldn’t have been easier to keep it. In the end I learned how much I didn’t deserve her. Cuz it was easy to keep her. And I managed to fail tragically and epically. Goodbye, Love, I deserve all the bs that come my way. You deserve everything I should’ve and was supposed to have given you, but didn’t.

LMAO hit shuffle and the first song to play is “Another Again” *sigh* I’m fucked. I’ll fix it, though. It just won’t matter to olwhatshername … You know what. It ALL matters. I just learned that the HARD way.

Bring it on home to me


If you ever change your mind
About leaving, leaving me behind
Bay-beh, bring it to me
Bring your sweet lovin
Bring it on home to me, yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)

I know I laughed when you left
But now I know, I only hurt myself
Bay-beh, bring it to me
Bring your sweet lovin
Bring it on home to me, yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)

I’ll give you jewelry and money, too
That ain’t all, that ain’t all I’ll do for you
Bay-beh, if you bring it to me
Bring your sweet lovin
Bring it on home to me, yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)

You know I’ll always be your slave
Till I’m buried, buried in my grave

Oh honey, bring it to me
Bring your sweet lovin
Bring it on home to me, yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)

(One more thing)
I tried to treat you right
But you stayed out, stayed out at night
But I forgive you, bring it to me
Bring your sweet lovin
Bring it on home to me
, yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)
Yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)…

H&K

20140124-062200.jpg
“I think the world sees Hank as this, fabulous fuck up. And umm, I know that guy. I’ve spent a lot of time with that guy. But I am better acquainted with the other guy. The one that listens and hears everything. The one that looks at you and sees right into your soul. The one that makes you believe in every fucking fairy tale you’ve ever been told. Ultimately, I may not even be the woman who gets to enjoy the man that I know he can be. But I still want the best for him.” – Karen.

When I said You were Karen it was in jest. Little did I know I’d become the man-child who is supremely and constantly fucking up… You know, Hank. Self sabotage. Smh.

“We need to forgive our-fucking-selves. No one is gonna do that for us, deal?” – Hank

“…
Loving you, has been the most profound, intense, painful experience of my life. In fact, it’s been almost too much to bear. As your [partner] I made a vow to protect you from the world, never realizing I was the one who would end up hurting you the most. [and now] my heart breaks, mostly because I can’t imagine you speaking of me with any sense of pride. How could you? Your [partner] is a child in a man’s body. He cares for nothing and everything at the same time. Noble in thought, weak in action. Something has to change, something has to give. It’s getting dark. Too dark to see. ” – Hank

20140124-062122.jpg

20140124-062140.jpg

Maybe, just maybe, it’s not too late…

You are.

Each day more beautiful than the one before
Sun high, clear skies
Palm trees swaying in the breeze.
The Lovely calm, keeps my mind at ease
I see you in it all
Your soft skin in the breeze
Gently brushing against me
Your long flowing hair in all of the leaves of the trees
Long beautiful legs in long steady trunks of the palms.
Lately the moon’s shined so bright, reminiscent of the twinkle in your eyes.
The birds try in vein to duplicate the warmth and joy in the cackle of your laugh
The almighty sun so bright and high. The center of our universe, is nothing, but your smile.
There aren’t enough words to properly encapsulate the magnificence and beauty that is your smile.
As the sun sets it’s splendor is only comparable to that of your breasts.
And as the sun sits on the horizon, exposing all the colors of nature, it is you, fully exposed.
Everything uncovered.
The truest beauty one can behold.
Before I take you in my arms, and into the night.
You are nature.
You are beauty.
You are.
You.

Here I Love you

Here I love you.
In the dark pines the wind disentangles itself.
The moon glows like phosphorous on the vagrant waters.
Days, all one kind, go chasing each other.

The snow unfurls in dancing figures.
A silver gull slips down from the west.
Sometimes a sail. High, high stars.
Oh the black cross of a ship.
Alone.

Sometimes I get up early and even my soul is wet.
Far away the sea sounds and resounds.
This is a port.

Here I love you.
Here I love you and the horizon hides you in vain.
I love you still among these cold things.

Sometimes my kisses go on those heavy vessels
that cross the sea towards no arrival.
I see myself forgotten like those old anchors.

The piers sadden when the afternoon moors there.
My life grows tired, hungry to no purpose.
I love what I do not have. You are so far.
My loathing wrestles with the slow twilights.
But night comes and starts to sing to me.

The moon turns its clockwork dream.
The biggest stars look at me with your eyes.
And as I love you, the pines in the wind
want to sing your name with their leaves of wire.
-P.N.