The kid’s funeral was today. I’ll reserve my judgements about some of the decisions made. But I hope this brought the young man’s soul some peace. Also, his family. There is still a major fight to be fought. But this here isn’t about that. It’s about laying this young man’s soul to rest. A small step towards healing.
Start thinking of you You on your day and my heart begins to beat at a slow deliberate pace. Like when I see you or when we embrace. When the world stops and becomes ours. When I’m trying with every fiber of my being to play it cool. Muting myself because I wanna lose my shit all over you. Only you bring that out of me. Perhaps only you ever will. In this moment I have learned that my heart still beats for you. I mean DUH, right? Or not so much as I spend so much time suppressing all the feels for you. Which is quite literally ALL the feels I have. Even when I have eyes for another. It’s still fucking you. The madness. The torture. The pure insanity of this Love. From day 1. Truly is endless. Except in practice. Yet and still, people inquire of our connection. They seem to know it still exists. But do you? Perhaps you do. And for self preservation you remain hidden away from me. One day we are bound to make it back. For all our turmoil will be wiped away and the fairy tale we always dreamed lies ahead. Will we wake up to live it? Merry anniversary, Love.
Is calling Her today out of the question? Probably.
Hey. I know it’s been a while. And yes, I have been avoiding you. Why? I don’t know, I mean. Why else? I can’t actually communicate with you. Also, ever since I won the most recent depression battle I didn’t want to slide back. Everything is better when the beast is tamed. It’s like I can think sad thoughts but they don’t engulf my entire being. Leaving me empty and hollow. Not to mention the physical manifestations cuz Jesus Christ I can’t cope with that. But here I am. again. People bring you up semi-regularly. Not too much that it drives me insane but enough to make sure I NEVER forget. LULZ! As if that’ll ever happen. Right? Like everything I do everyday doesn’t constantly remind me of you. Am I right?! Few people are still convinced we’ll cross paths again. If I was unsure before I’m pretty god damn sure now that we won’t. But I’ve been wrong before and for some reason hope to be wrong again. What else can you hope for when I went to sleep thinkin bout you. Had dreams about you. Then woke up at 230 with you still running laps in my head. You gotta be tired after all that running, don’t you? I know I am. I’m so fucked in the head. But you know this. I don’t think I’ll ever be right. Though, I can and will always be better. This isn’t some fuckin progress report. Or begging. Just letting the universe know the most painfully obvious thing in the history of time. I fucking miss you. And more so lately. I think my heart is back repaired again. Stitched together. It’s yours to break again. If you want. Although that’s never been your intention. Your intentions were always for us to make each other whole. Fill the holes in each other’s pieced together hearts. And we did just that. If only for moments at a time. Maybe we’ll do it again. Maybe we won’t. But right now I miss you. In a way that doesn’t hurt. I think I mastered that want over need thing. Better late than never right? Heh heh (c) rocko. But hey you know where to find me. For now. And I’ll be here. For now. I promised you forever. And that part of me will never go away. It’s yours. Whether you want it or not. Until we meet again, Love. *blows kiss*
So I hear a Spanish song, right? I’m not paying much attention to it. But then I HEAR it. It’s like OOPSPOWSURPRISE! It sounds great. The music, the singing. It grabbed me. So I have to find it. Thru the power of Google and shazam I find it. And do you fucking know who the song is by… FUCKING AVENTURA!! Like wow. You’re thinking like “Duh dumbass, they’re only one of the most popular fucking Spanish bands around”. But no, see. Of course I’d fucking like an Aventura song out the blue cuz it’s one of HER favorites. At some point she might have suggested I listen to some of their shit. I can never get away from YOU. truth is I don’t want to. Little things like this keep you in my heart. For better and worse, but I’m ok with that. Cuz when I looked down at my phone and saw who and what I was listening to? KOOL AID!!!!!! Hardcore koolaid cheesin. Smile like I’s a dumb fool. A smile for you.
I wanted to let yesterday breathe. It was the 5th anniversary of that first fateful night. I wanted it to be a very special day. Instead it was… Nothing. *sigh*
Maybe I’ll have something better about this later. Maybe I won’t. =\