Joy?

Was NOT gonna share this but Deneen thought I should so…

I thought about this in the shower. I get my best thinking done there. I should take like 8 showers a day… But about you. There is just something about you. The idea of you. The thought(s) of you. Brings me joy. And when you’re in a constant battle in your mind you have to hold on to the little things that bring you joy. I don’t know what you represent to me. Maybe attainable fantasy? I’m not quite sure. But I certainly hang on to the feelings of joy. It’s such a fleeting feeling. I wish I know why I “chose” you. (In quotes cuz it doesn’t really feel like a choice I made, rather, something the universe bestowed upon me). Now I know my wants and fantasies are all pretty damn selfish. I kind of don’t care. I just want it fulfilled as much as possible. Cuz in a perfect world that fantasy would be….well I’ll keep that bit to myself. Let’s just say I’d take things to a crazy level. But there’s just something about you that brings me joy. And that’s something I NEED right now. And while I long for and want something more than that (with you). Well, I need to take what I can get. For now.

Once again. Whole.

Grasping at straws trying to find something new to fill the void
Nothing lost, still nothing gained
A new muse you could be.
A torrid love affair waiting to happen
Maybe you’re just a mirage my mind is creating for distraction.
Perhaps this longing feeling is something I’ve missed
But how about a taste?
Of everything I’m missing
In one fell swoop you could take it all away.
But what do I have to offer you in return.
My life.
For you would be revitalizing my very essence.
I’d owe it all it you
Every step. Every breath. Every word
It is yours.
But you must first give me you so that I can be me.
Once again.
Whole.

Depression is a hoe.


Ughck. Battling depression again :( shit is annoying. It like you know better but can’t stop it. All these baby steps and reminders to just be “normal”. Whatever the hell that is. And I don’t have the support system I had before. And the place where I find peace? Well…. I’ll save that for another day. This really crept up on me. Maybe I was ignoring the signs. But I didn’t expect it. At least I know. So I can fight it. Sadderdays are upon us.

*i enjoy the song. And my interpretation of the lyrics.

I demand.

Sitting all day pondering
Longing, mind wandering
Mostly wondering
About you
Let’s be clear.
My intents are surely selfish.
But my life is MY life.
Yours is yours. We need a middle ground
Cuz I’m crossing that line. I mean, it’s already crossed
But I want to go much further, beyond this place.
I’m only asking for the tiniest sliver of you
For now.
Maybe I end up with a slice. Or fuck it, the whole thing
But right now?
I want a piece of you. Give it to me.
I have an insatiable love & lust for you.
I need a fix.
My mind is running away and I’m inclined to let it
But will you let me?
You will.
But when?
Now, I demand.
Now.

Musing

Ever since that Hank Moody quote from Californication I stopped writing. I wanted a new muse. I felt it was gonna hurt me to keep you in my mind as inspiration. So I just stopped. I have nothing. All I’m doing is hurting myself. If I do happen upon a new source of inspiration, so be it. But for now (& forever, really) you are it. I’ll continue to harness what I can from you. Or what’s left of you, in my mind. NOTE: I truncated a large section of this piece. A lot of other things didn’t need to be said (on here). But I’ll leave you with a portion of what I decided not to scrap:

I know where my place is in your life. The past. And I’m gonna respect that. As I ruined the chance to be the present and future. So I will keep it all to myself. The thoughts. The funnies. The feels. The music. The Love. The lust. The shows. The EVERYTHING. It’s all gonna stay here.

6/12/09 – 2/16/14

20140227-074625.jpg
I’m not so sure she feels so “lucky” to have known and Loved me. Sure she has the relief though. Hank and Karen in such a bad way.

Atticus: The woman that you love is out there and you know you can’t have her. How do you even get up in the morning?
Hank: Well the booze is always helpful and so is the art. Everything that I write is either for her or about her. So I’m with her, even when I’m not.

And that’s really all that will be left. I wouldn’t be surprised if we never spoke again. That’s life. The life I created with my poor decisions. I will say, I don’t think you ever did or would’ve accepted me and all my flaws as I accepted yours. There’s more, but that’s all I feel the need to say now. Or maybe ever will.

FAILURE

Nearly 5 years of fucking up. That’s it. I failed. Over and over again. In the end, I had all the answers, and still I failed. And that’s REALLY it. This is by far the worst. Worse then before by a long shot. Lost my chance at glory. And it couldn’t have been easier to keep it. In the end I learned how much I didn’t deserve her. Cuz it was easy to keep her. And I managed to fail tragically and epically. Goodbye, Love, I deserve all the bs that come my way. You deserve everything I should’ve and was supposed to have given you, but didn’t.

LMAO hit shuffle and the first song to play is “Another Again” *sigh* I’m fucked. I’ll fix it, though. It just won’t matter to olwhatshername … You know what. It ALL matters. I just learned that the HARD way.