un año

I wrote a bunch of things that are clearly not finished. Maybe I’ll finish em one day. Maybe. Who cares…

The only place our Love lingers is in these pages. My pen continues to bleed your name. I have no choice in the matter. I am but a vessel of Love in your name.
When she reduced everything we share(d) to having similar interest in music I knew the lies she was telling herself to protect her from falling back into our painful cycle of Love. I had to let her go. For the sake of both of us. That may have been the most Loving thing I’ve ever done for her. And myself
I guess every time I look at the moon I’m really looking at you. Hoping you’re looking too. That you can feel me, as I can feel you. Knowing that we are always connected as we move forward in our separate journeys.
We came to each other in pieces.
Yet made each other feel whole
With every piece of you that I saw I couldn’t find one I couldn’t Love
We took each other at our flaws.
As deep as they were
We knew there would be

Funny how recently you’ve come back up all over again. Everybody has a question. It seems it’s all still about you. Even when it’s not… *blows kiss to moon*

Week 49

Exactly 3 weeks away from 1 year. Can’t even believe it. But I can. It was gonna be something on my mind nonstop regardless. But now it seems as though the universe is making sure I’m constantly reminded. You’ve been brought up by more people than I can remember this month. I have had 3 in-depth conversations about you. No matter what I say, people seem to have an optimism about us, still. it’s weird. But I’m not any “ism”. I’m just here. You’re just there. Wherever that is. I’ve realized so many fucking things. Still growing up. But we’ll see where we land. I’m willing to bet we continue on separate paths. It’d be nice to cross again though. I just won’t be hoping for anything. I’ll just be existing. To our existence *holds tea up* cheers, Love

Once a month someone asks about you without fail
I’m having more deep, lucid dreams. Which would suggest that I’m sleeping deeper but I still wake up a bunch. So who knows
Guess who’s still my favorite nightmare? Yup. YOU. AT least once a night. Still. Even as I share my bed with another.
My most meaningful connections with women continue to be long distance. The closet one is a 6+ hour drive away. While the others are just a plane ride cross country. Maybe that’s by subconscious design? *shrugsies*


I miss you most at night.
We own(ed) the night
Every night with you lasted forever.
Each kiss an eternity.
We promised each other forever.
We didn’t quite make it there
But maybe our forevers were in moments
Moments to last us forever.
Memories of true Love to take with us on our separate journeys.
Whether we cross paths again or not
We shall be connected forever
By our little infinities that we carry with us

10/18/14 9:11pm

Wrote this on Monday before my latest trip to the ER:

Been scared to put the pen to paper. We all know what’s coming next. Yet another ode to Love. An ode to You. In near death it seems all I wanted was/is you. To be comforted by the sound of your voice. In a perfect world, your touch. I have no regard for self-preservation when it comes to you. How could I? Your are my lifeline. No matter if we never cross paths again. YOU ARE MY LIFE LINE. I haven’t even been able to cry. I almost did a few times. Again, it has more to do with you than my own mortality. Why?! WHY?! The universe gave me life once again. I guess I’ve worn out my chances to even have so much as a conversation with you. Now I write this to you. For you. Knowing your eyes will never see these words. And if they do, will your heart still absorb them? So many variables. But not for me. Cuz it will always be for you. I mean, it’s for me. My expression. My wants. Needs. But those as pertaining to you. As usual. Going through life with a missing piece. Doing any and everything to distract myself from that void. There is no real confrontation. Just a fact to be accepted. I shall always remain incomplete thru my journey.

still beating for you

Start thinking of you You on your day and my heart begins to beat at a slow deliberate pace. Like when I see you or when we embrace. When the world stops and becomes ours. When I’m trying with every fiber of my being to play it cool. Muting myself because I wanna lose my shit all over you. Only you bring that out of me. Perhaps only you ever will. In this moment I have learned that my heart still beats for you. I mean DUH, right? Or not so much as I spend so much time suppressing all the feels for you. Which is quite literally ALL the feels I have. Even when I have eyes for another. It’s still fucking you. The madness. The torture. The pure insanity of this Love. From day 1. Truly is endless. Except in practice. Yet and still, people inquire of our connection. They seem to know it still exists. But do you? Perhaps you do. And for self preservation you remain hidden away from me. One day we are bound to make it back. For all our turmoil will be wiped away and the fairy tale we always dreamed lies ahead. Will we wake up to live it? Merry anniversary, Love.