So I hear a Spanish song, right? I’m not paying much attention to it. But then I HEAR it. It’s like OOPSPOWSURPRISE! It sounds great. The music, the singing. It grabbed me. So I have to find it. Thru the power of Google and shazam I find it. And do you fucking know who the song is by… FUCKING AVENTURA!! Like wow. You’re thinking like “Duh dumbass, they’re only one of the most popular fucking Spanish bands around”. But no, see. Of course I’d fucking like an Aventura song out the blue cuz it’s one of HER favorites. At some point she might have suggested I listen to some of their shit. I can never get away from YOU. truth is I don’t want to. Little things like this keep you in my heart. For better and worse, but I’m ok with that. Cuz when I looked down at my phone and saw who and what I was listening to? KOOL AID!!!!!! Hardcore koolaid cheesin. Smile like I’s a dumb fool. A smile for you.
“Do not forget who put the crown on your childish head”
-Artemisia, 3hunna: rise of an empire
Never will I forget. I owe it all you.
Thursday was a really bad day. I had a resurgence of depression. But I’m back. Friday was eehhhh. But sadderday was just great. I fought thru and overcame. Now I’m at work to begin Sunday. We’ll see how it goes. The struggle is constant and all I want is to hear her voice. *sigh*
I wrote this bout 2/3 weeks ago at around 2/3am. Sitting awake. Thinking about the same old things. Love. You. I thought I’d complete it when the events actually took place (or didn’t take place. SPOILER: they didn’t). But I came to the conclusion that it is. And if I add to it later? Then I do. But for now. It’s finished….
I told everyone that my anniversary was the measurement on which to gauge our future. Or lack thereof. And as I sit here longing for you to reach out I can see the empty pages in our book begin to disintegrate. Our story has truly ended. Unfinished and unfulfilled. Nothing left to write. Revising and editing isn’t possible. Just reading and reliving the memories. Good and bad. The Love will always remain. What we were. What we are. What we could have been. Our future fading away on empty pages.
Song is still relevant for all types of reasons. Very apt title since I’m working that young 2am – 2pm shift. Happy fucking birthday to me right? Except I say merry anniversary but Whatevs. I wrote some shit so maybe I’ll post that. Really only one thing I want today but I’m not holding my breath.
I deleted your contact. It’s the only way I’d be sure not to contact you. Cuz I surely want to call you. Text you. (I’ve staved off emailing. I’ve close come though). About everything. About nothing. Heard some music you NEED to hear. But now it’s all mine. I can’t even share. Should I even share it? Is it ok? Is it right? Does any of this shit even matter? I found some gifs you absolutely need. Some hilarious pictures. PUNS!! Many feels to express. I went thru it waaaaay rougher than I was willing to admit to anyone. Myself included. Now I’m back on track. But once again I don’t feel on track. Not without you. It’s back to doing everything I’m supposed to be doing and what I was supposed to be for myself and for you, now that you’re gone. It doesn’t matter. Except that it does. Always has. Always will. Everything matters. It’s always about me. Even when it’s about you. It’s about me. Cuz doing for me was doing for you. I’m without a doubt the dumbest smartest person ever. This might be a lesson that fucks me up til I drop. In the meantime I’ll be a ghost. Until one day I find your contact and hit that button. I’m willing to bet I get nothing. But it can happen, right? Love is patient, Love is kind, only when you’re not hitting it recklessly with a sledgehammer without regard for the damage you’re doing. Otherwise Love is a bitch like life. And you have to pick up what pieces remain and make do. Maybe we can make ourselves whole and reconnect to fill the void we left. Or maybe we just damaged it too much to repair. I don’t care. I’ll be back for you. Even in rejection I’ll be whole, as I’ll have finally earned the crown you placed upon my head long ago.
I had to admit to some things to help my friend feel better about her feelings. Let her know she is not alone.
I keep getting asked about you.
I guess in the end I should know I CAN’T avoid it.
The funny part was when she said “when you guys do it again, that has to be it”
Was NOT gonna share this but Deneen thought I should so…
I thought about this in the shower. I get my best thinking done there. I should take like 8 showers a day… But about you. There is just something about you. The idea of you. The thought(s) of you. Brings me joy. And when you’re in a constant battle in your mind you have to hold on to the little things that bring you joy. I don’t know what you represent to me. Maybe attainable fantasy? I’m not quite sure. But I certainly hang on to the feelings of joy. It’s such a fleeting feeling. I wish I know why I “chose” you. (In quotes cuz it doesn’t really feel like a choice I made, rather, something the universe bestowed upon me). Now I know my wants and fantasies are all pretty damn selfish. I kind of don’t care. I just want it fulfilled as much as possible. Cuz in a perfect world that fantasy would be….well I’ll keep that bit to myself. Let’s just say I’d take things to a crazy level. But there’s just something about you that brings me joy. And that’s something I NEED right now. And while I long for and want something more than that (with you). Well, I need to take what I can get. For now.
Sometimes I don’t feel ANYTHING. and it feels better to feel sad than to feel absolutely nothing. It’s awful.
Grasping at straws trying to find something new to fill the void
Nothing lost, still nothing gained
A new muse you could be.
A torrid love affair waiting to happen
Maybe you’re just a mirage my mind is creating for distraction.
Perhaps this longing feeling is something I’ve missed
But how about a taste?
Of everything I’m missing
In one fell swoop you could take it all away.
But what do I have to offer you in return.
For you would be revitalizing my very essence.
I’d owe it all it you
Every step. Every breath. Every word
It is yours.
But you must first give me you so that I can be me.