Ever since that Hank Moody quote from Californication I stopped writing. I wanted a new muse. I felt it was gonna hurt me to keep you in my mind as inspiration. So I just stopped. I have nothing. All I’m doing is hurting myself. If I do happen upon a new source of inspiration, so be it. But for now (& forever, really) you are it. I’ll continue to harness what I can for you. Or what’s left of you, in my mind. NOTE: I truncated a large section of this piece. A lot of other things didn’t need to be said. But I’ll leave you with a portion of what I decided to scrap:
I know where my place is in your life. The past. And I’m gonna respect that. As I ruined the chance to be the present and future. So I will keep it all to myself. The thoughts. The funnies. The feels. The music. The Love. The lust. The shows. The EVERYTHING. It’s all gonna stay here.
I’m not so sure she feels so “lucky” to have known and Loved me. Sure she has the relief though. Hank and Karen in such a bad way.
Atticus: The woman that you love is out there and you know you can’t have her. How do you even get up in the morning?
Hank: Well the booze is always helpful and so is the art. Everything that I write is either for her or about her. So I’m with her, even when I’m not.
And that’s really all that will be left. I wouldn’t be surprised if we never spoke again. That’s life. The life I created with my poor decisions. I will say, I don’t think you ever did or would’ve accepted me and all my flaws as I accepted yours. There’s more, but that’s all I feel the need to say now. Or maybe ever will.
Nearly 5 years of fucking up. That’s it. I failed. Over and over again. In the end, I had all the answers, and still I failed. And that’s REALLY it. This is by far the worst. Worse then before by a long shot. Lost my chance at glory. And it couldn’t have been easier to keep it. In the end I learned how much I didn’t deserve her. Cuz it was easy to keep her. And I managed to fail tragically and epically. Goodbye, Love, I deserve all the bs that come my way. You deserve everything I should’ve and was supposed to have given you, but didn’t.
LMAO hit shuffle and the first song to play is “Another Again” *sigh* I’m fucked. I’ll fix it, though. It just won’t matter to olwhatshername … You know what. It ALL matters. I just learned that the HARD way.
I just want everything to be ok again.
Relief, the feeling is fleeting
There is no real relief
Not until I’ve made amends
Balancing myself with you is tougher than I anticipated
But something I’m intent on mastering
I also wonder at what point anything I do is accepted.
If you don’t accept the little things you won’t accept the bigger ones either.
Then your perception is skewed and everything I do is wrong, because you WANT it to be wrong
See the good and let the baby steps matter.
I try. do you care?
Enough is enough
But what is enough?
It’s a 2 way street. But you’re acting as if it’s one.
Give me an opening, lest I continue to aimlessly crash.
“how soon will I get to know,
if dreaming of you is wasting my time“
It seems we all know what’s next, so what’s taking so long?
Unless I’m wrong. Hopefully I’m wrong.
Only a few lines even apply. Out of context, at that. But it’s just a delightful tune.
“I think the world sees Hank as this, fabulous fuck up. And umm, I know that guy. I’ve spent a lot of time with that guy. But I am better acquainted with the other guy. The one that listens and hears everything. The one that looks at you and sees right into your soul. The one that makes you believe in every fucking fairy tale you’ve ever been told. Ultimately, I may not even be the woman who gets to enjoy the man that I know he can be. But I still want the best for him.” – Karen.
When I said You were Karen it was in jest. Little did I know I’d become the man-child who is supremely and constantly fucking up… You know, Hank. Self sabotage. Smh.
“We need to forgive our-fucking-selves. No one is gonna do that for us, deal?” – Hank
Loving you, has been the most profound, intense, painful experience of my life. In fact, it’s been almost too much to bear. As your [partner] I made a vow to protect you from the world, never realizing I was the one who would end up hurting you the most. [and now] my heart breaks, mostly because I can’t imagine you speaking of me with any sense of pride. How could you? Your [partner] is a child in a man’s body. He cares for nothing and everything at the same time. Noble in thought, weak in action. Something has to change, something has to give. It’s getting dark. Too dark to see. ” – Hank
Maybe, just maybe, it’s not too late…
Each day more beautiful than the one before
Sun high, clear skies
Palm trees swaying in the breeze.
The Lovely calm, keeps my mind at ease
I see you in it all
Your soft skin in the breeze
Gently brushing against me
Your long flowing hair in all of the leaves of the trees
Long beautiful legs in long steady trunks of the palms.
Lately the moon’s shined so bright, reminiscent of the twinkle in your eyes.
The birds try in vein to duplicate the warmth and joy in the cackle of your laugh
The almighty sun so bright and high. The center of our universe, is nothing, but your smile.
There aren’t enough words to properly encapsulate the magnificence and beauty that is your smile.
As the sun sets it’s splendor is only comparable to that of your breasts.
And as the sun sits on the horizon, exposing all the colors of nature, it is you, fully exposed.
The truest beauty one can behold.
Before I take you in my arms, and into the night.
You are nature.
You are beauty.
“I’m not sentimental-I’m as romantic as you are. The idea, you know, is that the sentimental person thinks things will last-the romantic person has a desperate confidence that they won’t.”
“Too many guys think I’m a concept, or I complete them, or I’m gonna make them alive. But I’m just a fucked-up girl who’s lookin’ for my own peace of mind; don’t assign me yours.” – Clem
*sigh* I know. Can’t make these mistakes when I KNOW! Smh. I can’t believe myself. By the grace of the gods(esses) I’ve been given yet another opportunity. To stake my claim and show my true colors. To live up to the potential. Only my goddess could be so merciful.